Now, I have to start at the beginning because it's all part of the narrative.  My father left when I was rather young and he was a broken man.  He was addicted to heroine and bi-polar and my mother kicked him out one day when his dealer came to their apartment (Really, my grandparents basement) and said, "Ron said I can take anything I want".  Heavy..

My Mother had her issues and I grew up in a very toxic and dysfuntional home but the details don't matter.  I love my Mother very much and she's an awesome grandmother.  We all screw up, the question is, do we forgive?  Do we say we're sorry?  All that has passed and all that matters to me is she loves me, my husband and my daughter and is doing the best she can.  She really turned her life around and I'm proud to say I know her.

I kept to myself in High School, wore a little too much black and hated the beach.  Not very good when you leave in surf city USA, Huntington Beach, CA.  But I survived that and for reasons I still don't understand, I skipped the SAT's and got a job.  I had no intention of going to college, I had no idea what or who I wanted to be.

I managed a small bookstore and took classes at the local community college.  I fell into an interesting crowd of artists and art galleries and started to write more and more poetry and prose.

It was in 1991 that I met her.  She was beautiful and smart and she was so into me.  I had a very difficult time with relationships and my upbringing had made me wary of any intimacy.  But she, she brought me out and I loved her.

I loved her so much I was confused.  I went to therapy, I thought maybe I was dealing with my own homophobia because I couldn't consummate this love, this very real and very intense love that included notes, dinners and sharing.   The dance went on for far longer than it should have and I realized that the issue really was that I was not a lesbian.  That's it, I'm not gay.

But this had been my first love for all intents and purposes in the most purest and sweetest way, it just wasn't lust and it just wasn't romantic love.  But for someone who had grown up so isolated, lonely and so closed off to intimacy, it was the closest thing I'd gotten to real love.

Yes, I tried very hard to be a lesbian because I loved a woman so much. It most certainly is not a choice.  And I'm blessed to still know this woman after all these years.  Sadly, I don't see enough of her at all.  We've grown apart, I married in 1998 (Went off to School at Smith in 1994) and we just don't spend as much time together as I wished we did.

She was the maiden of honor in my wedding.  I still love her very much and I hate that I don't see her more often.  That weird thing happens when you have children and you live just a little far away.  I hate that about life, I really do.

But recently she got married, legally married and I found out via facebook and it broke my heart.  And I thought, I want to be at that big wedding she's planning in June of next year and I want it to be legal.  I want to see her dance her first dance.  I wanted to be there.  But they had just a small wedding due to finances and the fact that they fear they won't be able to have that big wedding in June.

So when I drove by people holding signs that said, Yes to Prop 8, I thought, why does it matter so much if my dear friend wants to marry her girlfriend of EIGHT years.  Why?  And I got angry and teary eyed and I yelled.

Oh, my five year old was in the car too and she wanted to know why I was so angry.  I said, well I just don't agree with those people with the signs (We were at a stop light) and she told me to HONK at them.  I didn't want them to think that I was in any way supporting their bigotry, I drove on and I told my daughter that it wouldn't help.

But I want her at that wedding too.  I want her to know that love, in all its forms, should be celebrated.  That God gave us this gift of love and that we should share it with everyone we know.

So, that's my story, all sordid and complicated as it is, it's part of who I am and I wouldn't change a damn thing about it.

So on this coming out day, if you are thinking of doing it, don't worry, tomorrow is another day.  No matter what happens, you will be loved, someone will love you just for who you are and you can make a new family if you must, but you will be loved.